Stephen Griffin
2/22/11
English Comp.
Process Essay
The Dating Process
The wonderful endeavor we call a first date, can be a heavenly experience, but can also be described as hell on earth. Sure, it takes two to tango, but there’s a process to destroying a first date and even a second date. I think that it’s my responsibility to share this process with the public. Of course each cataclysmic ending has its own characters, plot and disastrous conclusion, but there’s typically three substantial realizations or events that take place to complete the process. Perhaps this may serve as a warning or a brief glimpse into the future for those about to take the plunge. Do not fear a first date and its result of a possible second date, for it is an adventure you must throw yourself into. Merely let this essay take you into a world of possible scenarios that you may want to avoid. Pay attention guys. This is vital information.
The dreaded first date can be a nerve-racking experience that every human being must embark on. First, you call in sick to work. You tell your boss, “Sir, I’m not feeling so well. I’ve been up all night with a headache and I’ve been vomiting for hours on end. There’s no way I can make it into work. I may have to go to the hospital.” Really be dramatic in your delivery of this message. Of course the boss won’t buy it, but he’ll appreciate your effort. Once you’ve completed that, go to your nearest clothing store and buy the most expensive outfit there is. Now it’s important to have no idea how much money is actually in your checking account before you do this. Then spend hours detailing your car. Make sure every pop tart crumb has been removed from the vehicle. Now it’s time for the show. You look outstanding. The car looks brand spanking new, you look like you could be on the front cover of GQ magazine and you’re ready to pick her up. You knock on the door, meet the parents, take her to the car, open the door and you’re on your way. Perhaps you take her to a movie. Make your way to the nearest available ATM and proceed to enter your secret pin number. Silence fills the air and everything moves in slow motion as you read the words; insufficient funds. Quickly run to the next ATM. It’s highly important that you do not let on the chaos brewing inside of you. The realization that you spent all of your money on your GQ wardrobe is encircling you like a tribe of wild Indians. The next ATM delivers the same grim news; insufficient funds. Your fate is sealed. It’s time to accept reality. Take the hand of your date and make your way to the nearest bench. You have to be honest here. She’s probably already noticed that you’re exuding high stress levels. Take a deep breath and tell her, “I’m sorry, but it appears that I’m broke.” The perfect first date has reached its finale. You’ll probably be fired from your job for calling in sick, you spent all of your money on the GQ outfit and you are now driving home in a virtually dust free car all by your lonesome because you’re date came to the realization that you are an epic loser and has decided to call her father to come pick her up. There’s still hope. Maybe, just maybe, you get a second chance.
So let’s say you get that second chance. We can now move on to our next step in the dating process. “How could she possibly give me a second chance?” you might ask. Well, she’s probably desperate and she really appreciates your honesty, taste in clothing and your cleanliness. On the next go around you’re slightly more careful than you were the first time. This time you have all of your ducks in a row. There is definitely money in the account this time. What’s left? Actual communication. Now you have to drum up a conversation with a person that just left your broke behind a few short hours prior to your second date attempt. You must overcome the embarrassment and use it to your advantage. What do you have to lose? Talk about that evening. “I’m really sorry. That was so stupid of me. I’m really quite embarrassed.” you might say. “Yes, it was stupid of you. How could you not have any money for a date? I mean, that’s just ridiculous. I can’t believe I had to call my father to pick me up. You were so lame!” she says. Well, well, what do we have here - an awkward moment? How do you handle this curveball? Roll with the punches and keep on digging that hole a little deeper with every word that spills from your mouth. Continue on with your humility strategy. She’s bound to see the real you soon enough, right? “Yeah, I’m really sorry about that. It definitely won’t happen again. I got fired the day after our date, but I just got a new job at McDonald’s and I really see a future for me there. I moved from the fry station to cooking the burgers in less than a day!”, you exclaim. “Wow, I’m so amazed,” she sarcastically states. “I’ve always wanted to date a McDonald’s employee of the month candidate!” she adds. You maintain composure even as your humility reaches critical mass. Stick with the plan. You can do this. Continue on with the date and show this girl what you’re made of. You spend a fortune on dinner, buy her the most beautiful roses that the nearest available Winn-Dixie has to offer and play the newest hit single by Taylor Swift to set the mood. Be the man and every time you feel like opening that passenger door while driving 45 miles per hour to kick her out of the car, don’t, because you’re the man and a man that finishes the date despite all obstacles is a real man. Take her home, walk her to the door and politely say, “have a good evening”. Then once you’re back in the safety of your vehicle turn on the angriest song you can think of and scream at the top of your lungs. Grab a beer or two on the way home and enjoy the rest of your evening sitting on the couch, enjoying your beer and licking your wounds.
Finally, admitting defeat is something that no man wishes to do, but at certain junctures, can be the best option left on the table. You now have a taste for who this girl is. An evil beast from the pits of hell. “I said I was sorry. The second date was awesome. I bought her Winn-Dixie roses for God sakes. What more does she want?” you say to yourself in an attempt to piece together all of your crazed, confused thoughts strewn throughout your brain. Is she worth it? Remember the old cliché; there’s other fish in the sea. Dial her number. Do it before you try to rationalize a third date equipped with humiliating comments and wasting of hard earned, burger flipping money. Stick to your guns. “Hi. I think you’re a great person, but I’m just not the one for you,” you say with an apologetic tone. “You’re darn right you’re not my type. You are an epic loser who completely wasted my time. You’re a broke loser. Blah..blah..blah…,” she goes on and on. This is when you hang up the phone. Move on young sir. You learned a few lessons and now you can venture on to the next first date.
We all have stories about our first dates and of course, they don’t all have horrible endings. Some blossom into wonderful short term relationships and one night stands. The first date is one of the most important moments in a young man’s life and the proper steps to secure a possible relationship with the first date are vital. I pray that the above scenarios will provide some insight to certain areas that need your utmost attention and maybe even some personality traits that just aren’t worth dinner and a movie. Being lonely is a horrible thing, but being miserable in companionship is ultimately worse. Take your time and be selective. The first date will serve as a backdrop to your consequential relationship for years to come. You might want that first date to be an evening to remember for the rest of your life.
No comments:
Post a Comment