COPE

  One of the most frustrating aspects of life for me is not being able to obtain a desired result by the means in which I choose to obtain that result.  We all have problems that we absolutely do not want to deal with.  We all have a past that we’d like to see just vanish into thin air.  We all have people that we’d like to have erased from our hearts and minds.  I am slowly, but surely accepting the fact that none of these things will ever somehow magically disappear.  Believe me; I’ve tried to find every way possible to sweep things under a rug.  I think we all have to a certain extent.  The world offers many coping mechanisms for ignoring present or past issues that seem just too difficult to handle.  I myself have been very guilty of attempting to ignore problems by filling my life with coping mechanisms.  I consider myself to be a pretty smart guy, but I’ve been throwing punches into the wind for far too long.  It’s time to accept an ugly truth.  I have to accept that there are issues that need to be dealt with.  How they “need” to be dealt with isn’t pretty, isn’t fun and cannot be resolved over night.  But I’m slowly beginning to figure out that each time I face something that I just “do not” want to deal with; if handled the right way, the result is character and confidence building for me.  The result brings me content, not just a temporary happiness.  Just because we have problems that we don’t want to deal with, because in our minds we can’t envision a positive outcome in dealing with those problems, doesn’t mean that there isn’t a positive outcome to be had.               

  In my journey through resolving my own personal issues, I first had to deal with letting go of unhealthy ways of coping with things that seemed just too difficult to process.  For instance, I’ve gone through a divorce.  So many horrible thoughts, so much guilt and a barrage of self condemnation bombarded my mind every single second of every single day for what seemed like forever.  I absolutely could not deal.  So, in an attempt to sweep things under a rug, I told myself, “Well, I think I’ll just pass on all that stuff, thank you very much.  Let’s move on to something better, shall we?”  I’m here to tell you, if you are not handling an issue properly, you know it.  Therefore, no one ever simply walks away from that issue without some sort of coping mechanism for assistance.  I say “issues” because we all have a variety of things that have happened in our lives or that are currently happening that just make us feel terrible in every way imaginable.  These issues can range from a stressful job, scars from a past relationship, an offense that hasn’t been forgiven, depression, a passing of a loved one, difficulties within a marriage, financial problems or just the ever looming feeling of dissatisfaction; the feeling that there’s just something missing.  I don’t think that there is one person on this planet that wakes up every single day and says to their self, “Hey, I’d really love to be slapped in the face with a slew of problems today.  Maybe even if I’m lucky, I can carry around some guilt and depression today as well.  This day holds promise for me, I’m sure of it.  I just can’t wait to feel totally defeated at the end of the day!”  No.  We wake up in one of two ways: with all the problems of our own worlds looming over our heads or we try to find some way to begin the day a new.  One can be just as bad as the other.  Both can involve coping mechanisms.  Obviously, waking up with the problems of the previous day still stabbing away at whatever’s left of our content, will continue on day after day if we don’t find a healthy way of dealing with them.  Coping mechanisms are just so much easier, right?  We have beer, liquor, cigarettes, drugs and denial, which all just provide us with masks, and all they do really is compound our problems.  I believe that there is one coping mechanism that is used that in my opinion is a capital offense.

  There are a plethora of coping mechanisms that are used day after day; drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, and all are dangerous.  But for me, there’s one in particular that I hate to see.  People can be used as coping mechanisms.  I know that I’ve been used as a way to cope, and I know that I am also guilty of the same offense.  Life can be just too much to handle on our own.  We don’t want to feel the pain of our past, we don’t want to deal with loneliness and we just need something to take the edge off.  In ignoring everything that is eating us alive on the inside and choosing to find unhealthy ways of coping, a typical romantic way to meet someone may start off well, but eventually run its course; comparable to coming down from a high or taking the last drag of a cigarette.    

  A woman sits alone at a party; beer in hand, slightly grinning.  A man approaches her; finds her attractive, enticed by her grin and the fact that she’s sitting alone.  Awkward greetings are exchanged between the two.  A conversation ensues.  Laughter and flirtatious banter bounce back and forth.  A connection is made.  A first date takes place.  Common interests are discussed.  The man opens the door for her and pays for the dinner.  “Chivalry isn’t dead after all,” she says to herself.  A second date occurs.  Flowers are displayed as the knock on the door is answered.  His simple humor incites a brief laugh, “For you my lady.”  “Cute,” she whispers to herself turning away momentarily to reach for her purse.  Her smiles only encourage him.  It makes him happy to see her happy as a result of his efforts.  Another door is opened and another dinner is paid for.  A level of comfort is established between them.  Introductions to one another’s parents, finds its way into the scene.  The two lives begin to intertwine.  The topic of marriage casually peeks through their windows of conversation from time to time.  The perfect sunset and the sound of waves crashing to the shore; what could be a more beautiful setting?  He’s anxious, yet hesitant.  She notices it in the tightening grasp of his hand around hers.  They both stop and turn to one another; each with a question, her standing, him on one knee.  Families are assembled as witnesses, vows are exchanged and a celebration follows.  Flower petals are trampled upon; bride and groom caught in a cross fire of rice and cheers.  Another door is opened, another dinner is paid for, and the two sacrifice themselves to the bond.               

  By this time, you have completely forgotten what we’ve been talking about.  It’s alright.  Don’t feel naïve, immature or that you might have a case of A.D.D. that you weren’t aware of.  I was simply able to distract you.  The same way any typical love song would capture our imagination, scramble it with our wants and emotions, providing us with our own personal perfect life; even if it’s only for approximately three minutes and 47 seconds.  Now what I’m about to say may portray me as bitter, jealous, judgmental; perhaps even as a “glass half empty” kind of guy.  I won’t defend my character, so I’ll leave it to you to make the call.  We’re all so easily distracted and in most cases it’s because we want to be.  It’s so much easier than dealing with a reality that in our minds couldn’t possibly bring peace to our lives.  As a consequence we lose ourselves; caught in the ever changing current of our emotions.  That scenario that I just painted a picture of can also have detrimental effects to each person involved depending on how they have chosen to handle their own lives.  Take that same scenario, but this time let me provide a backdrop for you.

  A (recently divorced) woman (with three kids, severe emotional issues and a desperate need to attach to anything that provides even just a sliver of interest to distract her from her problems) sits alone at a party; beer in hand (inebriated enough to ignore common sense), slightly grinning (turmoil, resentment, anger and an absolute unwillingness to admit her own faults…brewing on the inside).  A man, (father of two and currently separated from his wife) spots her amongst the crowd.  (Ridden with guilt, sadness, betrayal, pride and in denial of his past), he approaches her.  He finds her attractive, enticed by her grin and the fact that she’s sitting alone. (He assumes she’s approachable, no baggage & completely sane.  Not inclined to ask questions…only to crack a joke, which is appropriate.  They’ve just met.  Yet he’s naïve enough to proceed without caution. What choice does he have?)  Awkward greetings are exchanged between the two.  (They're only familiar with one personality; the one of their previous relationship.  They know nothing else.)  A conversation ensues, (cautious not to reveal their secrets.  Again, appropriate.  It’s just a conversation.).  Laughter and flirtatious banter bounce back and forth (as the inebriation begins to push away emotions derived from their past.).  A connection is made; (a distraction is found).  A first date takes place, (taking them both back to before the mistakes were made).  Common interests are discussed; (anything, but dealing with reality).  The man opens the door for her and pays for the dinner, (which takes away the guilt of his past).  “Chivalry isn’t dead after all,” she says to herself, (causing the feeling of being unsure of her decision to leave disappear).  A second date occurs.  Flowers are displayed as the knock on the door is answered.  (He’s hopeful that flowers will make her day as they once did for his wife.)  His simple humor incites a brief laugh, “For you my lady.”  “Cute,” she whispers to herself turning away momentarily to reach for her purse (as they both begin to feel young again).  Her smiles only encourage him (as he hasn’t been the cause of one for quite some time).  It makes him happy to see her happy as a result of his efforts, (ignoring the thought in his mind of the woman that once loved him, “she stopped laughing.”).  Another door is opened and another dinner is paid for.  A level of comfort is established between them, (unaware distraction is what provides the comfort.).  Introductions to one another’s parents, finds its way into the scene; (a true feeling of starting over).  The two lives begin to intertwine (and all red flags are ignored.).  The topic of marriage casually peeks through their windows of conversation from time to time.  (She’s shocked to find that he’s still married, but it quickly becomes a small technicality in the eyes of her desperate need to escape a past.  No questions are asked.  If anything, she doesn’t want to be awakened from her dream.)  The perfect sunset and the sound of waves crashing to the shore; what could be a more beautiful setting?  (This is the setting they wish they had the last time.)  He’s anxious, yet hesitant (as reality sets in).  She notices it in the tightening grasp of his hand around hers.  They both stop and turn to one another; each with a question (What are we doing?), her standing, him on one knee (Its too late.  Too much has happened already.  What else is there anyways?).  Families are assembled as witnesses; vows are exchanged and a celebration follows.  Flower petals are trampled upon; bride and groom caught in a cross fire of rice and cheers.  Another door is opened, another dinner is paid for, and the two sacrifice themselves to the bond. (It has to be what they’ve never had before.  It’s different, so it has to be.  They’re left with no choice.  This has to work.  They both smile.)   

  As of now, I’m sure you are saying quite a few things such as, “Stephen, you have way too much time on your hands.  Stop over analyzing.  You’re crazy.  You need a date.”  Although, all of those comments are warranted, I have to look at things in this manner.  I simply see it different than you.  I’ve experienced such scenarios.  Each scenario is simply a result of how you’ve chosen to handle your life and all that has come with it; good or bad.  I want my next “go around” to be similar to the first scenario.  I know that can’t happen unless I put all of the pieces of me back together again.  That can only happen if I face my reality and not try to cover it up by using someone or something.  That goes for anyone else as well.  If we do not deal with our issues and face whatever it is that we deem to be an impossible undertaking, we will only carry it over to next innocent bystander.  What we’ll do is simply meet someone who gives us every bit of attention we’ve ever wanted, but never had, takes away all of our pain even if just for a time, tells us exactly what we want to hear, buys us everything we’ve always wanted and treats us like the babies we are.  We can’t take care of ourselves, so therefore we have nothing to offer them.  All we’re saying to them is, “Here ya go. [pushing all of our guilt, emotional issues, fears, regrets, pain, voids and resentment across the table to them as we would poker chips.] You take all of that and handle it, which will make me feel better.  I’ll just be over here while you’re burdened with what I didn’t want to be burdened with.”  How fair is that to someone who maybe hasn’t gone through what we have or maybe someone who has already taken the time to pull his or her life back together; someone that faced what we couldn’t.  They’re fooled by our temporary happiness of yet another coping mechanism that will inevitably run its course.  It’s selfish of us.  We’re not being considerate.  There may be kids involved.  They don’t understand what’s going on and they too are fooled by our temporary happiness.  They, above all, need us to face our fears and pull our lives together.  Who they end up becoming in the future depends on how we choose to handle the problems of our past and present.  They see everything, and the brutal truth of it all is that they will be forced to soak in our poor decision making, tag along on our emotional roller coasters and inherit our ability to run from problems.  I will not allow that to happen in my life.  If you have ever questioned my commitment as a husband and a father, you need only to read my words.

  We all have our addictions and unhealthy ways that we’ve chosen to deal with what comes along with a tough life.  We have to correct our ways and eliminate our addictions.  They’re only temporary, and they only bring more sadness and more pain.  They only cover up what we lack the courage to conquer.  Most importantly, they can damage the lives of others around us that are undeserving of our inability to cope.  I believe that the most difficult times in our lives hold the most character.  Character - that if we can make it through the difficult times, will be bestowed upon us as a reward.  With character comes confidence, with confidence comes resolve and with resolve comes content.  Reaching content within our lives gives us the ability to really start our lives over again.  Content gives us a fresh start.  It relieves us of feeling desperate, feeling out of control, unable to deal, hopeless, lonely and without a future.  Let’s turn and face what we’ve been running from, what we’ve chosen to pawn off on other people and what we would spend the rest of our lives denying.  No more judging others, no more hiding, no more running and no more masks.  Let’s find people that we know are hurting.  Let them know that we feel the same way.  We can lift each other up.  Love is always found in selflessness. 

OCD

  I have a rule that I uphold within my household - “Clean up one mess before you make another.”  My five year old daughter is being indoctrinated to also uphold this rule.  She cleans up an art project she’s been working on before she brings out her toys.  Before I begin cooking dinner, I make sure to wash any dishes that were used earlier in the day.  Just the other night my daughter and I baked a cake before I started cooking dinner.  I made sure to clean up the mess made from baking the cake before I started dinner.  Now this may be a slight case of OCD on my behalf, but it sure does help maintain a clean household, and maybe even prevent an OCD meltdown.  Also, I am convinced that it will help my daughter maintain a clean environment for when she has her own place to live (You're welcome roommate.  No problem future husband.). 

  Continuing to venture forth in my newly acquired single lifestyle, I’ve noticed a lot of what I consider to be chaotic situations within relationships.  I think much of the mess can be accumulated from basic fears: being lonely, feeling like you can’t make it on your own and above all, impatience.  All of this is blinding to our common sense and priorities.  Being blind to such things can limit our ability to develop character, to forgive a past offense, to forge a relationship for the better interest of a child, and our better judgment that would allow us to make wiser decisions that effect not just our present wants, but our future needs and the needs of others that depend on us. 

  I’ve made the decision to live my life by the same rule that is upheld within my household:  “Clean up one mess before you make another.”

T.M.I. - Cause & Effect Essay

Stephen Griffin

English Comp.

4/25/11

Cause & Effect

                                                            T.M.I.

  Recently I’ve made the decision to stop, take a deep breath and accept the reality that has been staring right at me for quite some time.  Unexpectedly, the reality slapped me in the face (Me: How dare you, sir!).  He said to me, “Stephen, wake up.  You’re making an idiot out of yourself; more than usual.  Take a step back and look at your actions.  Stephen, it’s time to face me.  Have a seat.  Are you ready for this?  Stephen, you’re lonely and you need to accept it.”  I immediately replied, “But Reality, I don’t want to be lonely.  I have girls to talk to.  I can make this happen.  I don’t have to be lonely.  I don’t have to think about bad stuff.  Look, I even have cigars to help calm my nerves and a fair amount of beer to help me ignore “you”, Reality….you bastard.”  But, no matter what I said to convince myself that I had a quick solution to a very in-depth problem, Reality would follow me everywhere I went.  I could not escape him.  Inevitably, I had to let Reality sink in.  I was lonely, and I was attempting to do anything and everything I could think of to fill that void.

  Who wants to be lonely?  I don’t think anyone does.  But sometimes it’s a phase that we all have to go through.  I am as we speak.  I have my daughter every other week.  I’ve had to change the way I handle not having her around.  On the weeks I didn’t have her, I would do anything to fill the empty void while she was gone.    You see, I’m a dad.  That’s a full time job that I look forward to day after day.  It’s something that is ingrained in me.  It is a part of who I am.  Not having my little Chompy running around trying to bite my butt (Slightly annoying.  I’m not sure how that started.), asking me why the rhinoceros stabbed me in the arm (My doing, of course.  I had a pretty bad zit on my arm one time.  I told her that a rhinoceros wanted my pizza, so he stabbed me in the arm.  I incite imagination; shoot me), calling me Dad Dad (My favorite) or yelling out as she holds her cup in the air; not even looking at me, “Dad Dad, more juice!” (Me: “Ryan, how should you ask politely? Ryan: Please….) is a tough pill for this guy to swallow.  Those are all things that I once took for granted.  Now I hang on to every moment that I have with her.  Not having her around all the time has completely changed my life.  How I’ve handled not playing dad on a daily basis has hurt me in couple ways.  That’s probably why Reality decided it was time for me to get slapped.

  One of the ways I handled loneliness was being what is called a “Serial Texter”.  I would meet a girl and based on maybe only one thing we had in common (You‘re divorced too?!  Are you kidding me?!), I would immediately attach and declare the woman to be “The One”.  I would tell myself, “Oh Stephen, thine troubles are over.  You never have to be lonely again.  Oh happy day!”  Thusly, I would text away.  I’m quite sure it was annoying and I feel like an idiot now, but what can you do?  What’s done is done.  It’s weird how your brain ignores all factual evidence, common sense, red flags and the stupidity spewing from your desperate need to fill a void (I may be doing that now, but at least I‘ll get a good grade for it.).  Subconsciously, I didn’t care who they were, what they were about or if I was coming across as desperate, which of course, I was.  I just went to work on establishing a relationship and consequently looking like a desperate, lonely dude.  That would be an accurate assessment.  I’m happy to say that period in my life is over.  Now it’s on to the next challenge.

  I love a good cigar, especially cheap, corner store cigars (I live on the Westside, so of course, I love a good corner store.).  If the pack of cigars cost more than two dollars, I don’t want them.  I have standards to uphold.  I would smoke these cigars as I sat on my porch trying not to think about things that were happening around me that just made me feel bad about myself or things that I knew I could’ve done differently throughout my past, but didn’t, which caused an overwhelming amount of guilt.  Somehow, I convinced myself that smoking, which I had quit for a year prior to starting back up, was a better alternative than facing my good friend, Reality, and coming to grips with him.  I’m proud to say that I was once 260 pounds, but through a lot of hard work, was able to lose 90 pounds of it.  I did that mostly by running.  I would run three miles a day, no questions asked.  There were even days that I would run five miles or more.  Well, smoking put an end to that.  I could no longer run the distances that were helping me to maintain my weight loss.  That combined with drinking a few more beers than I should on a nightly basis when I didn’t have my daughter, really put me back on track to being overweight again.  Basically, I was falling apart.  I wasn’t being a good dad, I wasn’t moving forward in my life in a healthy way, I wasn’t setting a good example for anyone around me and my mind was not focused on the things that I should’ve been focused on.  Changes needed to be made.  I no longer smoke and alcohol intake is reaching a reasonable level of consumption.  I’m a work in progress.   

  Loneliness is a hell of a thing to go through, especially when you aren’t familiar with it.  If it’s something you never expected it’ll take time to settle into.  I am, but it hasn’t been easy and I know that more work needs to be done.  Now, you might say, “Stephen, maybe you should keep a few things to yourself.  Maybe you’ve said too much.  You know people are going to read this and think that you’re crazy.  You‘re not going to get a date by writing stuff like this.”  I would understand that, but at this point in my life, I’m not concerned about what others think of me and more than likely, people already thought I was crazy anyways.  Furthermore, I no longer live my life for the approval of others.  It’s an endless cycle; a battle that you’ll never win.  I’m not even concerned with impressing a girl right now (DUH…Obviously!).  I’m concerned with getting my priorities together, doing what’s best for me and my daughter, enjoying my friends and family, and just allowing life to happen “to” me for once.  I’m a tired boy.  It’s been a tough past couple years and I need time to recover.  I’ve undergone a life altering experience and have had to come to some really horrible realizations, which have lead to some pretty tough times.  I need time to grow, to accept, to comprehend my reality, reign in a semi-chaotic schedule, make sure my “dad skills” are intact, and focus on establishing a new life and what I actually want it to be.   

Freeze the Pane

Stephen Griffin

English Comp.

4/5/11

Extra Credit

  An image so simple in form, so irrelevant to our peripheral, so monotone to the chaotic decibels of our lives, somehow, when wrapped in the confines of a constructed cell and displayed upon a wall in a spotlight that screams “I EXIST!” becomes a doorway to a world that is our cocoon.  The image becomes worthwhile.  As our eyes sharpen to the pallet of colors, perception of depth and eloquent contours, we experience the details upon which our feet crush day after day and our consciousnesses deem unworthy of acknowledgement.  Yet when the image is imprisoned in a cell, placed in front of a spotlight for all to see and given a title, only then does the world around us become art.  Perhaps as we march to our destinations we might do so in slow motion and at our hearts’ desire, freeze the pane.  Let our eyes become the lenses, our eyelids become the shutters and our minds become the film.

  I begin to wrap my brain around the world of photography at the 29^th annual college wide photography competition held at the FSCJ Kent Campus on the 18^th of January 2011.  As I meander around the venue, my mind becomes a blank canvas.  Walking along the walls laden with photos, my eyes initially fixate to ribbons attached to particular photographs.  One ribbon proclaims “1st PRIZE” and another whispers “1st Place".  Unwavering in my quest to discover my own understanding of the still images, I begin to delve deeper into the details of the physical evidence that lay before me.  I tell myself, "See past the ribbons.  Look closer.  There's something there."  I ask myself one question, "Stephen, what is it that you see?"

  I begin to do something that I’ve been working on here and there; nothing regimented or perfected by any means.  I soak in the atmosphere around me.  I continue to mosey along, taking notes of the pictures.  But in continuing on with my own investigation, I listen to the voices around me.  I let the voices of the others in the venue find me and I stir them together with what I see, creating a mixture of the atmosphere around me.  Sure, I agree this sounds weird.  But when you’re someone that enjoys writing, which involves expressing emotions, describing environments and finding unique ways of grasping the attention of a reader, you have to find your own way of developing a database of what and who you come into contact with day after day.  You pull from this vault as needed and place the thought or image within your writing wherever you think it fits.  I believe that’s all photography or any artwork for that matter is; soaking in the atmosphere around you.  Art can be written, danced, photographed, played through an instrument or painted on a canvas only because the person behind the curtain of each display took the time to soak in his or hers’ atmosphere.  Each person froze the pane just long enough to capture something beautiful.  Each person has their own unique way of describing to an audience an emotion, an environment or a story that needs to be told.  Photography, by all means, is a jack of all trades. 

  Eureka!!  I see it.  I can see past the ribbons now.  In the world of photography you need only an imagination to interpret the image that lay before you.  Each image tells a story; a story that may apply differently to each individual that lay eyes on it.  Each individual admiring the photographs in the gallery have a different observation, opinion or interpretation of each picture.  Each photograph contains diverse meanings to each person within the venue.  The discussions don’t involve just the photos with the ribbons, but the ones without.  That’s what’s so great about photography; you don’t have to be a professional to impress anyone, and you don’t need to have a ribbon attached to your photograph for it to have an effect on someone.  You just have to stop and admire something that most people in this world pay no attention to.  A photograph of a leaf with drops of water cascading down its spine, a photograph of a sunset that brings peace to your soul or a photograph of abandoned railroad tracks that lay dormant for years, have the ability to grasp our attention and take all of us through a doorway into another world that is our cocoon.  We only need let our eyes become the lenses, our eyelids become the shutters and our minds become the film.  Freeze the pane.

Don't Let Go

Your thoughts processed into words provide a vision for who you are and where you want to go.  Negative thoughts will come in waves and drown you in sadness.  Find the lonely driftwood in the chaos, hold onto it, don’t let go and let it carry you into shore.  The one positive thought that is lost in a sea of sadness has the strength and promise to deliver you to shore.  Don’t let go.

Content

Find contentment in where you are and who you are. Comparing your life to another’s is insignificant. Nothing is as it seems. Accept your reality and turn from the façade of another’s. Never be afraid to share the truth that your heart whispers in your ear with one who screams their lies in your face.

Proud Moment

Stephen Griffin                                                                                                      

English Comp.        

2/1/11

Journal #3

“Proud Moment”

   This may be the most personal journal entry thus far, but if I were to dance around the issue and bend the truth by choosing another, less meaningful moment, my prose would lack the passion that fuels the fire in my writing.  Consequently, I must detail a time in my life when fear, confusion and sadness were never more prevalent.  When you think you have found a safe, dark cave to hide you from the horrors this world has to offer, that’s when the world taps you on the shoulder and whispers in your ear; “I see you”.  Some choose to run and some choose to delve deeper into darkness.  As for me, I choose to step out into the world and say; “you have seen me in darkness, but never in the light.”

   To find real love in this world is like finding a needle in a haystack, but to lose it feels like finding a piece of hay in a stack of needles.  A life is built stone by stone until you are the king of a castle mortared by your past, present and future.  The treasures of the world lay at your feet.  With mountains of gold to gaze upon, they pale in comparison to the diamond at your side.  As king of the castle your responsibilities are endless.  Consequently, the burdens which you are to bare crush your soul and distract your eyes from the beauty of the diamond.  As you slowly slip into the pits of despair, you reach for the diamond only to watch it turn away.  The mortar of past, present and future turn to sand.  The castle walls give way and crumble to the ground.  The stones become your tomb and the darkness becomes your only friend.

   With only the darkness to keep you company, the memories of a life you once had echo through the tomb and your only thoughts are of the mistakes born of your impatience.  The guilt spills from your eyes, forming a puddle of sadness in which to bathe.  You’ve only enough strength to grasp your heart with your hands to keep it from falling apart.  After much suffering, an unfamiliar sight begins to pierce through the darkness.  As you lay motionless, a thin ray of light peeks through a fracture in the tomb.  Day by day it grows brighter until the wall that once was your solitude disappears and becomes a doorway to a world long forgotten.

   The light represents the fear of the unknown.  Betrayal, guilt and rebuke begin to burn your skin.  As you unclasp your hands from your heart to crawl further into the tomb, you realize that your heart remains intact.  It beats stronger than ever, pushing the blood of determination through your veins.  Overcome with hope, love and will power, you make the ultimate decision to face your fears.  Empowered with the strength of ten men, you thrust your body into the light, breathe in the air of forgiveness and exhale all regret.  You are once again the man searching for a needle in the haystack.  You are an artist and the world is your canvas.  You are a writer and the words written in your heart proclaim, “Who you are is not the mistakes of your past, but the choices you make for your future.”  You have been reborn.  Taking your first steps into the world, your confidence begins to lay the foundation for your new life.  Who you are is emboldened by the fear you were able to overcome.  You comprehend life’s trials as you never have before.      

   Horrible events occur and all one can do is accept the reality that life isn’t always a beautiful painting.  Keep faith, for on the opposite end of the spectrum, artistry is a tool for the imagination.  The hand of an artist is able to articulate fear and sadness, but also evoke hope and joy with the rare ability to create a world that is the furthest away from reality.  Indulge in fiction.  Be the emblamitcal abstract of your masterpiece.  Overcome your fears and open up your heart for all to see.

1st Timed Essay - The Dating Process - (process essay)

Stephen Griffin

2/22/11

English Comp.

Process Essay

The Dating Process

   The wonderful endeavor we call a first date, can be a heavenly experience, but can also be described as hell on earth.  Sure, it takes two to tango, but there’s a process to destroying a first date and even a second date.  I think that it’s my responsibility to share this process with the public.  Of course each cataclysmic ending has its own characters, plot and disastrous conclusion, but there’s typically three substantial realizations or events that take place to complete the process.  Perhaps this may serve as a warning or a brief glimpse into the future for those about to take the plunge.  Do not fear a first date and its result of a possible second date, for it is an adventure you must throw yourself into.  Merely let this essay take you into a world of possible scenarios that you may want to avoid.  Pay attention guys.  This is vital information.

   The dreaded first date can be a nerve-racking experience that every human being must embark on.  First, you call in sick to work.  You tell your boss, “Sir, I’m not feeling so well.  I’ve been up all night with a headache and I’ve been vomiting for hours on end.  There’s no way I can make it into work.  I may have to go to the hospital.”  Really be dramatic in your delivery of this message.  Of course the boss won’t buy it, but he’ll appreciate your effort.  Once you’ve completed that, go to your nearest clothing store and buy the most expensive outfit there is.  Now it’s important to have no idea how much money is actually in your checking account before you do this.  Then spend hours detailing your car.  Make sure every pop tart crumb has been removed from the vehicle.  Now it’s time for the show.  You look outstanding.  The car looks brand spanking new, you look like you could be on the front cover of GQ magazine and you’re ready to pick her up.  You knock on the door, meet the parents, take her to the car, open the door and you’re on your way.  Perhaps you take her to a movie.  Make your way to the nearest available ATM and proceed to enter your secret pin number.  Silence fills the air and everything moves in slow motion as you read the words; insufficient funds.  Quickly run to the next ATM.  It’s highly important that you do not let on the chaos brewing inside of you.  The realization that you spent all of your money on your GQ wardrobe is encircling you like a tribe of wild Indians.  The next ATM delivers the same grim news; insufficient funds.  Your fate is sealed.  It’s time to accept reality.  Take the hand of your date and make your way to the nearest bench.  You have to be honest here.  She’s probably already noticed that you’re exuding high stress levels.  Take a deep breath and tell her, “I’m sorry, but it appears that I’m broke.”  The perfect first date has reached its finale.  You’ll probably be fired from your job for calling in sick, you spent all of your money on the GQ outfit and you are now driving home in a virtually dust free car all by your lonesome because you’re date came to the realization that you are an epic loser and has decided to call her father to come pick her up.  There’s still hope.  Maybe, just maybe, you get a second chance.

   So let’s say you get that second chance.  We can now move on to our next step in the dating process.  “How could she possibly give me a second chance?” you might ask.  Well, she’s probably desperate and she really appreciates your honesty, taste in clothing and your cleanliness.  On the next go around you’re slightly more careful than you were the first time.  This time you have all of your ducks in a row.  There is definitely money in the account this time.  What’s left?  Actual communication.  Now you have to drum up a conversation with a person that just left your broke behind a few short hours prior to your second date attempt.  You must overcome the embarrassment and use it to your advantage.  What do you have to lose?  Talk about that evening.  “I’m really sorry.  That was so stupid of me.  I’m really quite embarrassed.” you might say.  “Yes, it was stupid of you.  How could you not have any money for a date?  I mean, that’s just ridiculous.  I can’t believe I had to call my father to pick me up.  You were so lame!” she says.  Well, well, what do we have here - an awkward moment?  How do you handle this curveball?  Roll with the punches and keep on digging that hole a little deeper with every word that spills from your mouth.  Continue on with your humility strategy.  She’s bound to see the real you soon enough, right?  “Yeah, I’m really sorry about that.  It definitely won’t happen again.  I got fired the day after our date, but I just got a new job at McDonald’s and I really see a future for me there.  I moved from the fry station to cooking the burgers in less than a day!”, you exclaim.  “Wow, I’m so amazed,” she sarcastically states.  “I’ve always wanted to date a McDonald’s employee of the month candidate!” she adds.  You maintain composure even as your humility reaches critical mass.  Stick with the plan.  You can do this.  Continue on with the date and show this girl what you’re made of.  You spend a fortune on dinner, buy her the most beautiful roses that the nearest available Winn-Dixie has to offer and play the newest hit single by Taylor Swift to set the mood.  Be the man and every time you feel like opening that passenger door while driving 45 miles per hour to kick her out of the car, don’t, because you’re the man and a man that finishes the date despite all obstacles is a real man.  Take her home, walk her to the door and politely say, “have a good evening”.  Then once you’re back in the safety of your vehicle turn on the angriest song you can think of and scream at the top of your lungs.  Grab a beer or two on the way home and enjoy the rest of your evening sitting on the couch, enjoying your beer and licking your wounds. 

   Finally, admitting defeat is something that no man wishes to do, but at certain junctures, can be the best option left on the table.  You now have a taste for who this girl is.  An evil beast from the pits of hell.  “I said I was sorry.  The second date was awesome.  I bought her Winn-Dixie roses for God sakes.  What more does she want?”  you say to yourself in an attempt to piece together all of your crazed, confused thoughts strewn throughout your brain.  Is she worth it?  Remember the old cliché; there’s other fish in the sea.  Dial her number.  Do it before you try to rationalize a third date equipped with humiliating comments and wasting of hard earned, burger flipping money.  Stick to your guns.  “Hi.  I think you’re a great person, but I’m just not the one for you,” you say with an apologetic tone.  “You’re darn right you’re not my type.  You are an epic loser who completely wasted my time.  You’re a broke loser.  Blah..blah..blah…,” she goes on and on.  This is when you hang up the phone.  Move on young sir.  You learned a few lessons and now you can venture on to the next first date.

   We all have stories about our first dates and of course, they don’t all have horrible endings.  Some blossom into wonderful short term relationships and one night stands.  The first date is one of the most important moments in a young man’s life and the proper steps to secure a possible relationship with the first date are vital.  I pray that the above scenarios will provide some insight to certain areas that need your utmost attention and maybe even some personality traits that just aren’t worth dinner and a movie.  Being lonely is a horrible thing, but being miserable in companionship is ultimately worse.  Take your time and be selective.  The first date will serve as a backdrop to your consequential relationship for years to come.  You might want that first date to be an evening to remember for the rest of your life.

Dating

What happened to the days of a single man being able to display chivalry?  I have to admit, I’ve been out of the dating game for quite some time.  I’m still learning the ropes; understanding what to say, when to say it or just knowing when I shouldn’t say anything at all.  I tend to say too much too soon, which could possibly be interpreted as blandishment, being immature or maybe even, shall I say it, being desperate.  Honestly, there was a time for that, but that’s done and done.  I just tend to say what’s on my mind (yeah, that’s happening right now).  I have a habit of that.  It can be good, but sometimes not very helpful (that also may be happening right now).  I don’t know that it’ll ever change though.  I’ve been there before; boring, lifeless, loveless, without purpose and basically too much guess work.  I don’t mind a little mystery, but you won’t ever find me climbing a wall built around a person’s heart ever again.  The further you climb, the higher they build the wall.  Some people just like to watch you climb.      

  There are just so many damn rules now, especially when attempting to get to know women that have either been divorced or have been in some type of long term relationship; a relationship that didn’t have a happy ending.  You don’t just meet a chick now, get a phone number, call her up, ask her out on a date and assuming the answer is “yes”; pick her up from her house to take her out for a fun evening.  If you are able to set something up, you can’t even call it a date.  It must now be referred to as a “meet up” or basically any other word in the English language that can be used to describe two people meeting at the same pre-determined location.  Just don’t say the word “DATE”.  People are so afraid that if you say “DATE” it means they are now somehow attached to you and you to them in some committed way; like you’re going to ask them to get matching tattoos to mark the special occasion so that when you’re married with kids one year later, you’ll have something to remember that night by.  At this point I’m beginning to wonder who is actually crazy; the guy that just wants to open the door for a girl or the one with all of the pre-conceived notions.  Moving on….  Now….you have to get the number, perhaps establish a Facebook relationship (in my experience this can sometimes be a good idea), communicate through text messages, which…by the way text messaging has a slew of rules in it self, and then you have to come across as “playing it cool”.  I absolutely suck at “playing it cool”.  I don’t have time for that.  I’m outgoing, I’m social and I like to TALK.  You know….communication (that ole…chestnut.).  I don’t have time to pretend as if I don’t care or as if I have a cool, hidden, reserved personality.  I can meet someone and talk to them as if I’ve known them since I was a kid.  Well guess what….that comes across as creepy.  Two text messages in one day can be considered “attachment”.  Sure, maybe for the guy with duck tape in the trunk of his car and a pit in his basement.  But not for the guy that actually “doesn’t” want you to put the lotion on the skin.  Maybe the guy that isn’t putting lipstick on when he’s at home by himself just thought you were cool and wouldn’t mind buying you dinner; maybe even perhaps displaying a little chivalry throughout the evening.  How do you know that the guy asking to pick you up from your house isn’t a complete psycho?  I didn’t say there weren’t any risks involved in dating, did I?  All joking aside, I think you can tell when you have a weirdo on your hands.  Just be careful to not let pre-conceived notions and overly strict rules be deciding factors.  I think the rest has to be left up to discernment.  Believe me, I understand that people get burned in relationships and certain things that happened, maybe even that happened consistently over a long period of time, can have an effect on someone.  I know all about that.  I’ve probably had that effect on someone and it’s just something you have to let go of.  I’ve been on the receiving end of it too.  All you can do is just forgive and forget.  That almost always takes a very long time and there’s a process to it that everyone must go through.  Things happen in that process that no one other than you will ever know about.  I guess my point is that it seems impossible to start over.  It seems impossible to find that naïve personality that has cleansed itself of its past and is ready for something new.  Maybe it seems impossible because it is impossible.  Maybe that’s why I see a fair amount of divorced guys around my age (29) or older with younger women.  Women that haven’t seen the bad side of a long term relationship tend to be a little more naïve and easier to impress, which isn’t to say anything bad about being young and naïve.  I see it as a good thing.  There may be people much younger than me that are far more mature.  In fact, there probably are.  I’m just saying that’s not what I’m looking for, but for some people, I guess it’s different. I know that’s vague, but I want to refrain from saying anything judgmental or offending (something new I’ve learned), so that’s all I’m going to say.

  I don’t pretend to have the answers for everything and I’m not dumb enough to think that every situation is the same.  I can only speak for myself and as for me; well I don’t have a bad taste in my mouth about a relationship anymore.  Things happen.  People aren’t perfect and inevitably, life goes on.  I see real love and friendship in people everyday.  I know it exist, so I won’t spend the rest of my life being overly cautious and hesitant to make an effort to spend time with someone I think is pretty damn cool.  I go into the situation without any pre-conceived notions; I have no plan and zero expectations.  I can, however, be charged with being a little overzealous.  I’m working on that.  I’d just like to open a few doors, get a laugh and maybe buy some dinner, if you don’t mind.

  So, now that I’ve vented, its true, I do feel better.  I compare learning all the rules of dating to learning all the rules of grammar, which I’m sure by the time you’ve finished reading this you will have found examples of my poor grammar and have also come to the conclusion that I’ve failed at both “dating” and “grammar”.  I digress; I lack the personality to give up on either.  I’ll continue to learn as much as I can.  Its either that or I can continue to write what I consider to be pretty good stuff, littered with not so good grammar and never again experience the chivalric feeling of opening the car door for a, dare I say it, “date”.  Nevertheless, I am putting my foot down.  I refuse to play by the rules.  Somebody has to be different.  Somebody has to bring back chivalry.  I’m tired of Facebooking and I’m tired texting.  Waiting; well that I don’t mind.  Patience is a virtue I suppose.  I’m just an excited person.  I see the world differently now and I’m not afraid of anything.  I’m myself in just about any given situation.  I will always encourage my daughter to be herself and change for no one.  How can I instill that within her, but not practice what I preach.  Granted, I have to be patient and I have to be considerate.  There may be things going on in a person’s life that I don’t know about; more than likely because it’s none of my damn business.  They may not have time to return a text from a silly boy trying to score a date.  But at the same time I refuse to be something that I’m not.  I’m excited; I want to get out and meet new people.  I’m not into playing the games and making sure that I’m not coming across as a weirdo.  I think it’s important to know who you are.  If you know who you are, you’ll know when you’ve said or done something out of character and moved a little too fast.  Other than that; you just have to wait for life to happen.  There are too many pre-conceived notions, rules and regulations to follow that I just can no longer keep up with them and at the same time, maintain my sanity.  I haven’t given up on dating, but I’m fairly confident that I have a life, so there should be a thing or two to keep me occupied while I wait; like finish digging the pit in my basement, restocking on duck tape and lotion, and deciding what color lipstick I’ll be wearing tonight.  So much to do….so much to do.         

Journal 5 - Greatest Strength

Stephen Griffin

English Comp.

2/22/11

Journal #5 – My Greatest Strength

   We all go through difficult times in our lives and inevitably it is up to us to walk through the fire on our own.  Once we’ve made it through the flames we may be a little worse for the wear, we may have scars and we may be down and out, but never the less, we’re still breathing.  If we’re breathing then that means we’ll make it to the next day and you never know what promise the next day may hold.  I myself have walked through the flames.  I have my scars, but one thing that I never lost, the one thing that pushed me through to the other side was my self determination.  Life can easily put all the nails in needed to seal your coffin, but with the power of self determination, there’s nothing that can stop you from overcoming the trials and tribulations of this world.

   I’ve recently walked through the fires of divorce.  This is something that I never prepared for.  I never thought it would happen to me.  There was no plan B.  When this whole divorce debacle first started I didn’t have the ability to cope.  The realization that I wasn’t loved by the person that was every second of every minute of my life was an absolute shock and it literally broke me.  I lost all confidence; I had zero motivation and no willingness to see a light at the end of the tunnel.  All I had were questions; questions that would never receive a single answer.  My only option was acceptance.  This is where my self determination came into play.

   When your past, present and future goes up in smoke you’re left with the feeling of standing in the middle of a desert with not a soul to talk to and no sense of direction.  All I wanted to do was sink into the sand and let it all go.  There was just something inside of me that wouldn’t let me do that.  I believe it was my self determination.  I knew that I needed to have some sort of positive existence for my daughter.  She was my motivation and she fueled my determination.  There were many times that I felt that I couldn’t do it, that there just wasn’t any hope, but all I had to do was think of her and I was able to push on just a little further.

   My self determination brought into view my self confidence and my ability to depend on myself.  This is rare.  Most people rely on others for motivation, for praise and sometimes the reason for their existence.  I had to totally rewire my brain.  I didn’t know what I wanted for my life.  I decided to focus on something that I had always wanted to do and something that I really enjoyed doing; writing.  I enrolled in college with the intent of acquiring all the tools necessary to venture into a career of creative writing.  My self determination will play a big role as I move forward through school.

   Although I have no idea what my future holds for me, I know that my self determination will get me through anything that comes across my path.  Every time I’ve wanted to give up, every time negative thoughts run through my mind; “you can’t do this, it’s all too much, just give in.” there’s that still, small voice right in the center of my chest that says, “you can do this, keep going, never give up”.  I have a long road ahead of me and I’m confident that roadblocks are inevitable, but through self determination there’s no hurdle I can’t jump over, no negative I can’t turn into a positive and no impossible that I can’t make possible. 

There’s a hill to climb,

though you don’t have to jump

Fight the war in your mind

Force your eyes to look up   

Wishful Thinking

Wishful Thinking 

  If you’re in a relationship where every opposing point of view, matter of opinion or simple disagreement, causes absolute chaos with consistency, my suggestion is to stop and re-evaluate your situation.  I think picking and choosing your battles is a good way to live, especially when you’re in a relationship.  Most things just aren’t worth fighting about.  I chose to delve into this philosophy just a little… too late.  I can’t begin to tell you how many memories of arguments I’ve had over the years cross my mind day after day.  At the conclusion of each memory I take the palm of my hand and firmly press it against my forehead repeating the word, “idiot…idiot…idiot!”  So many of the arguments I’ve had over the last nine years and even before then were never worth having; not just in marriage, but with family and friends as well.  Perhaps there are ways to avoid ridiculous arguments that if you let continue on day after day, month after month and year after year could one day swim up and bite your relationship in the ass.

  I believe simple arguments that begin to take place within a long term relationship are almost always littered with resentment from previous battles fought within that relationship that were never completely brought to a conclusion or even a previous relationship that had its own slew of resentment issues.  We all have our scars.  I’m well aware of the fact that disagreements will occur within a relationship.  After all, we’re human.  The only perfect individual on this planet is me.  Subsequently, if you’re “not” me, which there’s a pretty good chance that you are not (THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE HIGHLANDER!), you should take some advice from The Divorced Guy (“That’s me…”-hand slightly raised, slumped over, eyes facing the floor) and work towards diffusing the ticking time bomb of an argument that is specifically positioned between you and your partner, ready to explode.  There are a few ways to go about this.  Let me explain.

  Think of it as The Matrix.  We’ve all seen that movie, haven’t we?  The agent fires the bullets at Neo and amazingly he dodges all but one of the bullets.  See the next impending argument as the same scenario.  The next time you feel your nerves begin to twitch or the feeling of anger begin to churn within you because you know exactly what is about to happen, stop.  Slow things down.  See everything in slow motion.  Dodge the bullets.  Drop your pride and your defenses.  You don’t need either one if you’re dodging the bullets.  You may even have access to a time machine.  Go back in time to when you first met your partner.  Remember the rush you felt when you first pressed your lips against one another’s.  Remember how you felt as you were driving home after dropping her off and your joy was uncontainable as Journey reverberated off of your heart with the words…”Don’t stop believin’!”  Remember the sound of “I do” and the sensation of tears running down your cheek.  Remember the walk on the beach with the backdrop of the most beautiful sunset that neither one of you have seen again since that day.  Remember how the candle light reflected in her eyes, and the uncontrollable urge to reach across the table to touch his hand denied all hesitation.  Remember the time when you were with your friends and you shared a moment of laughter over a joke that was only funny between the two of you.  Everyone else in the group stared at you as though you were the two weirdest people ever to be considered “a couple”.  The list could go on and on.  There are moments in a relationship that happen for a reason.  “They” are your defense against meaningless arguments that build resentment and bring down love, trust and friendship; not your ability to win the argument.  You are “best friends” for goodness sake.  Act like it!  Admittedly, some discussions are needed; neither one of you wants to be a doormat.  But even those situations can be approached with love.  Those same memories will work when you’re coming to an agreement on any particular issue.  Realize that nothing in this world can come between real love and genuine friendship.  So before that next ridiculous argument takes place, put on your trench coat and shades, jump into your time machine and go back to the place where all you cared about in this world was your unconditional love for one another.  Remember the word “unconditional”.  It’s an important one.

Do Not Disturb

Stephen Griffin                                                                         

English Comp.

4/19/11

Contrast / Comparison

                                                            Do Not Disturb

  I walk into the library and it is completely silent.  I see a young lady drop her pen and I actuallyhear it hit the ground.  I always thought that was just a myth, but it’s actually true.  This is my first experience being in the library.  I ask the lady at the front desk a question: “How do I log onto the computer?”   She politely explains.  I was so worried that the library would have a few annoying students that wouldn’t be quiet and totally disrupt my concentration, but actually, an unlikely suspect is waiting to surprise me.  Standing at the front desk I scan the floor looking for a couple empty computer stations.  I look for two because my pregnant friend, Ashlie, is taking her time getting to the library (typical).  I make my move.  Still admiring the quiet atmosphere, I find two quaint little computer stations perfect for a lonely divorced guy and his pregnant friend.   “Wow!  I think I like this library,” I tell myself.  I pull the chair out from under the table and position myself for efficient typing.  “I’ll really be able to focus in here.  This is great,” I say with confidence.  I position my fingers on the keyboard.  I’m ready to go.  I type my first letter. “What the hell?!”

  This keyboard is the loudest keyboard in the history of keyboards.  I’m currently trying to concentrate and Ashlie is being so rude by typing extremely loud.  It’s actually so loud that I can’t even hear my own obnoxious keyboard.  Is a dinosaur tap dancing on top of one of the tables?  What is this?  Am I back in the 1940’s, using a typewriter?  The guy next to me is wearing ear plugs for God sakes.  He must’ve known about the ridiculous, annoying noise that is emitted from the library keyboards.  He came prepared!  “Ashlie, I’m going to have to ask you to be quiet.  It’s my turn to emit extremely high keyboard sounds for the whole library to hear!” I whisper.  When I walked in here, I didn’t hear a damn thing.  I’m actually getting a headache now caused by the keyboard as it obliterates my ear drums.  Ashlie and I are discussing how upon further investigation we are now aware that we have the loudest keyboards in the library.  I pause to listen to the keyboard being used by the student next to me; the one with the ear plugs.  I hear nothing.  Why the hell is he wearing ear plugs?  I know!  He knew that if he sat at the computer station he is currently typing away at, he would have to suffer through a painful headache caused by the two computers next to him; the ones that Ashlie and I are using.  Why isn’t his keyboard making any noise?

  I pause to tune into any decibel levels emitted by the keyboard being used next to me by the Ear Plug Man, but I hear nothing.  I study his keyboard.  There’s no difference in appearance.  The only difference that I’m able to pick up on is that his doesn’t sound like a band of wild horses running down the center of the library tables.  It’s like his keyboard has a silencer.  Do keyboard silencers exist?  If they do, Ear Plug Man is using one.  As I become increasingly jealous, I turn to Ashlie who is stationed to the right of me (her chair positioned approximately twelve to fourteen inches away from the desk to accommodate the protruding pregnant belly) and ask, “why do you need to wear ear plugs in the library?  Shouldn’t the volume within a library already be comparable to wearing ear plugs?”  I tell her that he’s definitely wearing them because of our keyboards.  I just can’t help but remember how quiet it was in this library before I sat down and began typing.

  Never the less, I guess I will have to settle for this keyboard.  Now that I’m winding down this monstrosity of an essay, I will be taking two of the Tylenol pills that Ashlie has stashed away in her obnoxious red saddle bag.  Seriously; who needs a purse that big?  Who needs a keyboard this loud?  I shouldn’t have to take pain medication to diffuse a brain aneurism waiting to explode within one of the brightest minds ever to walk into, previously, one of the quietest libraries in all of college.  I feel as though I should apologize to the other students in the library.  I have definitely ignored the “do not disturb” sign hanging from the noses of each diligently working student.  “Fellow students, I would like to formally issue an apology for setting off firework key strokes in this library, undoubtedly bringing an abrupt end to your concentration enabled by peace and quiet.  Ashlie, however, does not apologize, and expects for you to have sympathy for her because she is currently with child.  I do not feel sorry for her.  Therefore, I will include her apology within mine.  I am now pleased to inform you that I am finished with my essay and will return you back to your silence which you maintained once upon a time before I made the decision to enter this library and use this God forsaken keyboard.   Good day to you all.”