Don't Let Go

Your thoughts processed into words provide a vision for who you are and where you want to go.  Negative thoughts will come in waves and drown you in sadness.  Find the lonely driftwood in the chaos, hold onto it, don’t let go and let it carry you into shore.  The one positive thought that is lost in a sea of sadness has the strength and promise to deliver you to shore.  Don’t let go.

Content

Find contentment in where you are and who you are. Comparing your life to another’s is insignificant. Nothing is as it seems. Accept your reality and turn from the façade of another’s. Never be afraid to share the truth that your heart whispers in your ear with one who screams their lies in your face.

Proud Moment

Stephen Griffin                                                                                                      

English Comp.        

2/1/11

Journal #3

“Proud Moment”

   This may be the most personal journal entry thus far, but if I were to dance around the issue and bend the truth by choosing another, less meaningful moment, my prose would lack the passion that fuels the fire in my writing.  Consequently, I must detail a time in my life when fear, confusion and sadness were never more prevalent.  When you think you have found a safe, dark cave to hide you from the horrors this world has to offer, that’s when the world taps you on the shoulder and whispers in your ear; “I see you”.  Some choose to run and some choose to delve deeper into darkness.  As for me, I choose to step out into the world and say; “you have seen me in darkness, but never in the light.”

   To find real love in this world is like finding a needle in a haystack, but to lose it feels like finding a piece of hay in a stack of needles.  A life is built stone by stone until you are the king of a castle mortared by your past, present and future.  The treasures of the world lay at your feet.  With mountains of gold to gaze upon, they pale in comparison to the diamond at your side.  As king of the castle your responsibilities are endless.  Consequently, the burdens which you are to bare crush your soul and distract your eyes from the beauty of the diamond.  As you slowly slip into the pits of despair, you reach for the diamond only to watch it turn away.  The mortar of past, present and future turn to sand.  The castle walls give way and crumble to the ground.  The stones become your tomb and the darkness becomes your only friend.

   With only the darkness to keep you company, the memories of a life you once had echo through the tomb and your only thoughts are of the mistakes born of your impatience.  The guilt spills from your eyes, forming a puddle of sadness in which to bathe.  You’ve only enough strength to grasp your heart with your hands to keep it from falling apart.  After much suffering, an unfamiliar sight begins to pierce through the darkness.  As you lay motionless, a thin ray of light peeks through a fracture in the tomb.  Day by day it grows brighter until the wall that once was your solitude disappears and becomes a doorway to a world long forgotten.

   The light represents the fear of the unknown.  Betrayal, guilt and rebuke begin to burn your skin.  As you unclasp your hands from your heart to crawl further into the tomb, you realize that your heart remains intact.  It beats stronger than ever, pushing the blood of determination through your veins.  Overcome with hope, love and will power, you make the ultimate decision to face your fears.  Empowered with the strength of ten men, you thrust your body into the light, breathe in the air of forgiveness and exhale all regret.  You are once again the man searching for a needle in the haystack.  You are an artist and the world is your canvas.  You are a writer and the words written in your heart proclaim, “Who you are is not the mistakes of your past, but the choices you make for your future.”  You have been reborn.  Taking your first steps into the world, your confidence begins to lay the foundation for your new life.  Who you are is emboldened by the fear you were able to overcome.  You comprehend life’s trials as you never have before.      

   Horrible events occur and all one can do is accept the reality that life isn’t always a beautiful painting.  Keep faith, for on the opposite end of the spectrum, artistry is a tool for the imagination.  The hand of an artist is able to articulate fear and sadness, but also evoke hope and joy with the rare ability to create a world that is the furthest away from reality.  Indulge in fiction.  Be the emblamitcal abstract of your masterpiece.  Overcome your fears and open up your heart for all to see.

1st Timed Essay - The Dating Process - (process essay)

Stephen Griffin

2/22/11

English Comp.

Process Essay

The Dating Process

   The wonderful endeavor we call a first date, can be a heavenly experience, but can also be described as hell on earth.  Sure, it takes two to tango, but there’s a process to destroying a first date and even a second date.  I think that it’s my responsibility to share this process with the public.  Of course each cataclysmic ending has its own characters, plot and disastrous conclusion, but there’s typically three substantial realizations or events that take place to complete the process.  Perhaps this may serve as a warning or a brief glimpse into the future for those about to take the plunge.  Do not fear a first date and its result of a possible second date, for it is an adventure you must throw yourself into.  Merely let this essay take you into a world of possible scenarios that you may want to avoid.  Pay attention guys.  This is vital information.

   The dreaded first date can be a nerve-racking experience that every human being must embark on.  First, you call in sick to work.  You tell your boss, “Sir, I’m not feeling so well.  I’ve been up all night with a headache and I’ve been vomiting for hours on end.  There’s no way I can make it into work.  I may have to go to the hospital.”  Really be dramatic in your delivery of this message.  Of course the boss won’t buy it, but he’ll appreciate your effort.  Once you’ve completed that, go to your nearest clothing store and buy the most expensive outfit there is.  Now it’s important to have no idea how much money is actually in your checking account before you do this.  Then spend hours detailing your car.  Make sure every pop tart crumb has been removed from the vehicle.  Now it’s time for the show.  You look outstanding.  The car looks brand spanking new, you look like you could be on the front cover of GQ magazine and you’re ready to pick her up.  You knock on the door, meet the parents, take her to the car, open the door and you’re on your way.  Perhaps you take her to a movie.  Make your way to the nearest available ATM and proceed to enter your secret pin number.  Silence fills the air and everything moves in slow motion as you read the words; insufficient funds.  Quickly run to the next ATM.  It’s highly important that you do not let on the chaos brewing inside of you.  The realization that you spent all of your money on your GQ wardrobe is encircling you like a tribe of wild Indians.  The next ATM delivers the same grim news; insufficient funds.  Your fate is sealed.  It’s time to accept reality.  Take the hand of your date and make your way to the nearest bench.  You have to be honest here.  She’s probably already noticed that you’re exuding high stress levels.  Take a deep breath and tell her, “I’m sorry, but it appears that I’m broke.”  The perfect first date has reached its finale.  You’ll probably be fired from your job for calling in sick, you spent all of your money on the GQ outfit and you are now driving home in a virtually dust free car all by your lonesome because you’re date came to the realization that you are an epic loser and has decided to call her father to come pick her up.  There’s still hope.  Maybe, just maybe, you get a second chance.

   So let’s say you get that second chance.  We can now move on to our next step in the dating process.  “How could she possibly give me a second chance?” you might ask.  Well, she’s probably desperate and she really appreciates your honesty, taste in clothing and your cleanliness.  On the next go around you’re slightly more careful than you were the first time.  This time you have all of your ducks in a row.  There is definitely money in the account this time.  What’s left?  Actual communication.  Now you have to drum up a conversation with a person that just left your broke behind a few short hours prior to your second date attempt.  You must overcome the embarrassment and use it to your advantage.  What do you have to lose?  Talk about that evening.  “I’m really sorry.  That was so stupid of me.  I’m really quite embarrassed.” you might say.  “Yes, it was stupid of you.  How could you not have any money for a date?  I mean, that’s just ridiculous.  I can’t believe I had to call my father to pick me up.  You were so lame!” she says.  Well, well, what do we have here - an awkward moment?  How do you handle this curveball?  Roll with the punches and keep on digging that hole a little deeper with every word that spills from your mouth.  Continue on with your humility strategy.  She’s bound to see the real you soon enough, right?  “Yeah, I’m really sorry about that.  It definitely won’t happen again.  I got fired the day after our date, but I just got a new job at McDonald’s and I really see a future for me there.  I moved from the fry station to cooking the burgers in less than a day!”, you exclaim.  “Wow, I’m so amazed,” she sarcastically states.  “I’ve always wanted to date a McDonald’s employee of the month candidate!” she adds.  You maintain composure even as your humility reaches critical mass.  Stick with the plan.  You can do this.  Continue on with the date and show this girl what you’re made of.  You spend a fortune on dinner, buy her the most beautiful roses that the nearest available Winn-Dixie has to offer and play the newest hit single by Taylor Swift to set the mood.  Be the man and every time you feel like opening that passenger door while driving 45 miles per hour to kick her out of the car, don’t, because you’re the man and a man that finishes the date despite all obstacles is a real man.  Take her home, walk her to the door and politely say, “have a good evening”.  Then once you’re back in the safety of your vehicle turn on the angriest song you can think of and scream at the top of your lungs.  Grab a beer or two on the way home and enjoy the rest of your evening sitting on the couch, enjoying your beer and licking your wounds. 

   Finally, admitting defeat is something that no man wishes to do, but at certain junctures, can be the best option left on the table.  You now have a taste for who this girl is.  An evil beast from the pits of hell.  “I said I was sorry.  The second date was awesome.  I bought her Winn-Dixie roses for God sakes.  What more does she want?”  you say to yourself in an attempt to piece together all of your crazed, confused thoughts strewn throughout your brain.  Is she worth it?  Remember the old cliché; there’s other fish in the sea.  Dial her number.  Do it before you try to rationalize a third date equipped with humiliating comments and wasting of hard earned, burger flipping money.  Stick to your guns.  “Hi.  I think you’re a great person, but I’m just not the one for you,” you say with an apologetic tone.  “You’re darn right you’re not my type.  You are an epic loser who completely wasted my time.  You’re a broke loser.  Blah..blah..blah…,” she goes on and on.  This is when you hang up the phone.  Move on young sir.  You learned a few lessons and now you can venture on to the next first date.

   We all have stories about our first dates and of course, they don’t all have horrible endings.  Some blossom into wonderful short term relationships and one night stands.  The first date is one of the most important moments in a young man’s life and the proper steps to secure a possible relationship with the first date are vital.  I pray that the above scenarios will provide some insight to certain areas that need your utmost attention and maybe even some personality traits that just aren’t worth dinner and a movie.  Being lonely is a horrible thing, but being miserable in companionship is ultimately worse.  Take your time and be selective.  The first date will serve as a backdrop to your consequential relationship for years to come.  You might want that first date to be an evening to remember for the rest of your life.

Dating

What happened to the days of a single man being able to display chivalry?  I have to admit, I’ve been out of the dating game for quite some time.  I’m still learning the ropes; understanding what to say, when to say it or just knowing when I shouldn’t say anything at all.  I tend to say too much too soon, which could possibly be interpreted as blandishment, being immature or maybe even, shall I say it, being desperate.  Honestly, there was a time for that, but that’s done and done.  I just tend to say what’s on my mind (yeah, that’s happening right now).  I have a habit of that.  It can be good, but sometimes not very helpful (that also may be happening right now).  I don’t know that it’ll ever change though.  I’ve been there before; boring, lifeless, loveless, without purpose and basically too much guess work.  I don’t mind a little mystery, but you won’t ever find me climbing a wall built around a person’s heart ever again.  The further you climb, the higher they build the wall.  Some people just like to watch you climb.      

  There are just so many damn rules now, especially when attempting to get to know women that have either been divorced or have been in some type of long term relationship; a relationship that didn’t have a happy ending.  You don’t just meet a chick now, get a phone number, call her up, ask her out on a date and assuming the answer is “yes”; pick her up from her house to take her out for a fun evening.  If you are able to set something up, you can’t even call it a date.  It must now be referred to as a “meet up” or basically any other word in the English language that can be used to describe two people meeting at the same pre-determined location.  Just don’t say the word “DATE”.  People are so afraid that if you say “DATE” it means they are now somehow attached to you and you to them in some committed way; like you’re going to ask them to get matching tattoos to mark the special occasion so that when you’re married with kids one year later, you’ll have something to remember that night by.  At this point I’m beginning to wonder who is actually crazy; the guy that just wants to open the door for a girl or the one with all of the pre-conceived notions.  Moving on….  Now….you have to get the number, perhaps establish a Facebook relationship (in my experience this can sometimes be a good idea), communicate through text messages, which…by the way text messaging has a slew of rules in it self, and then you have to come across as “playing it cool”.  I absolutely suck at “playing it cool”.  I don’t have time for that.  I’m outgoing, I’m social and I like to TALK.  You know….communication (that ole…chestnut.).  I don’t have time to pretend as if I don’t care or as if I have a cool, hidden, reserved personality.  I can meet someone and talk to them as if I’ve known them since I was a kid.  Well guess what….that comes across as creepy.  Two text messages in one day can be considered “attachment”.  Sure, maybe for the guy with duck tape in the trunk of his car and a pit in his basement.  But not for the guy that actually “doesn’t” want you to put the lotion on the skin.  Maybe the guy that isn’t putting lipstick on when he’s at home by himself just thought you were cool and wouldn’t mind buying you dinner; maybe even perhaps displaying a little chivalry throughout the evening.  How do you know that the guy asking to pick you up from your house isn’t a complete psycho?  I didn’t say there weren’t any risks involved in dating, did I?  All joking aside, I think you can tell when you have a weirdo on your hands.  Just be careful to not let pre-conceived notions and overly strict rules be deciding factors.  I think the rest has to be left up to discernment.  Believe me, I understand that people get burned in relationships and certain things that happened, maybe even that happened consistently over a long period of time, can have an effect on someone.  I know all about that.  I’ve probably had that effect on someone and it’s just something you have to let go of.  I’ve been on the receiving end of it too.  All you can do is just forgive and forget.  That almost always takes a very long time and there’s a process to it that everyone must go through.  Things happen in that process that no one other than you will ever know about.  I guess my point is that it seems impossible to start over.  It seems impossible to find that naïve personality that has cleansed itself of its past and is ready for something new.  Maybe it seems impossible because it is impossible.  Maybe that’s why I see a fair amount of divorced guys around my age (29) or older with younger women.  Women that haven’t seen the bad side of a long term relationship tend to be a little more naïve and easier to impress, which isn’t to say anything bad about being young and naïve.  I see it as a good thing.  There may be people much younger than me that are far more mature.  In fact, there probably are.  I’m just saying that’s not what I’m looking for, but for some people, I guess it’s different. I know that’s vague, but I want to refrain from saying anything judgmental or offending (something new I’ve learned), so that’s all I’m going to say.

  I don’t pretend to have the answers for everything and I’m not dumb enough to think that every situation is the same.  I can only speak for myself and as for me; well I don’t have a bad taste in my mouth about a relationship anymore.  Things happen.  People aren’t perfect and inevitably, life goes on.  I see real love and friendship in people everyday.  I know it exist, so I won’t spend the rest of my life being overly cautious and hesitant to make an effort to spend time with someone I think is pretty damn cool.  I go into the situation without any pre-conceived notions; I have no plan and zero expectations.  I can, however, be charged with being a little overzealous.  I’m working on that.  I’d just like to open a few doors, get a laugh and maybe buy some dinner, if you don’t mind.

  So, now that I’ve vented, its true, I do feel better.  I compare learning all the rules of dating to learning all the rules of grammar, which I’m sure by the time you’ve finished reading this you will have found examples of my poor grammar and have also come to the conclusion that I’ve failed at both “dating” and “grammar”.  I digress; I lack the personality to give up on either.  I’ll continue to learn as much as I can.  Its either that or I can continue to write what I consider to be pretty good stuff, littered with not so good grammar and never again experience the chivalric feeling of opening the car door for a, dare I say it, “date”.  Nevertheless, I am putting my foot down.  I refuse to play by the rules.  Somebody has to be different.  Somebody has to bring back chivalry.  I’m tired of Facebooking and I’m tired texting.  Waiting; well that I don’t mind.  Patience is a virtue I suppose.  I’m just an excited person.  I see the world differently now and I’m not afraid of anything.  I’m myself in just about any given situation.  I will always encourage my daughter to be herself and change for no one.  How can I instill that within her, but not practice what I preach.  Granted, I have to be patient and I have to be considerate.  There may be things going on in a person’s life that I don’t know about; more than likely because it’s none of my damn business.  They may not have time to return a text from a silly boy trying to score a date.  But at the same time I refuse to be something that I’m not.  I’m excited; I want to get out and meet new people.  I’m not into playing the games and making sure that I’m not coming across as a weirdo.  I think it’s important to know who you are.  If you know who you are, you’ll know when you’ve said or done something out of character and moved a little too fast.  Other than that; you just have to wait for life to happen.  There are too many pre-conceived notions, rules and regulations to follow that I just can no longer keep up with them and at the same time, maintain my sanity.  I haven’t given up on dating, but I’m fairly confident that I have a life, so there should be a thing or two to keep me occupied while I wait; like finish digging the pit in my basement, restocking on duck tape and lotion, and deciding what color lipstick I’ll be wearing tonight.  So much to do….so much to do.         

Journal 5 - Greatest Strength

Stephen Griffin

English Comp.

2/22/11

Journal #5 – My Greatest Strength

   We all go through difficult times in our lives and inevitably it is up to us to walk through the fire on our own.  Once we’ve made it through the flames we may be a little worse for the wear, we may have scars and we may be down and out, but never the less, we’re still breathing.  If we’re breathing then that means we’ll make it to the next day and you never know what promise the next day may hold.  I myself have walked through the flames.  I have my scars, but one thing that I never lost, the one thing that pushed me through to the other side was my self determination.  Life can easily put all the nails in needed to seal your coffin, but with the power of self determination, there’s nothing that can stop you from overcoming the trials and tribulations of this world.

   I’ve recently walked through the fires of divorce.  This is something that I never prepared for.  I never thought it would happen to me.  There was no plan B.  When this whole divorce debacle first started I didn’t have the ability to cope.  The realization that I wasn’t loved by the person that was every second of every minute of my life was an absolute shock and it literally broke me.  I lost all confidence; I had zero motivation and no willingness to see a light at the end of the tunnel.  All I had were questions; questions that would never receive a single answer.  My only option was acceptance.  This is where my self determination came into play.

   When your past, present and future goes up in smoke you’re left with the feeling of standing in the middle of a desert with not a soul to talk to and no sense of direction.  All I wanted to do was sink into the sand and let it all go.  There was just something inside of me that wouldn’t let me do that.  I believe it was my self determination.  I knew that I needed to have some sort of positive existence for my daughter.  She was my motivation and she fueled my determination.  There were many times that I felt that I couldn’t do it, that there just wasn’t any hope, but all I had to do was think of her and I was able to push on just a little further.

   My self determination brought into view my self confidence and my ability to depend on myself.  This is rare.  Most people rely on others for motivation, for praise and sometimes the reason for their existence.  I had to totally rewire my brain.  I didn’t know what I wanted for my life.  I decided to focus on something that I had always wanted to do and something that I really enjoyed doing; writing.  I enrolled in college with the intent of acquiring all the tools necessary to venture into a career of creative writing.  My self determination will play a big role as I move forward through school.

   Although I have no idea what my future holds for me, I know that my self determination will get me through anything that comes across my path.  Every time I’ve wanted to give up, every time negative thoughts run through my mind; “you can’t do this, it’s all too much, just give in.” there’s that still, small voice right in the center of my chest that says, “you can do this, keep going, never give up”.  I have a long road ahead of me and I’m confident that roadblocks are inevitable, but through self determination there’s no hurdle I can’t jump over, no negative I can’t turn into a positive and no impossible that I can’t make possible. 

There’s a hill to climb,

though you don’t have to jump

Fight the war in your mind

Force your eyes to look up   

Wishful Thinking

Wishful Thinking 

  If you’re in a relationship where every opposing point of view, matter of opinion or simple disagreement, causes absolute chaos with consistency, my suggestion is to stop and re-evaluate your situation.  I think picking and choosing your battles is a good way to live, especially when you’re in a relationship.  Most things just aren’t worth fighting about.  I chose to delve into this philosophy just a little… too late.  I can’t begin to tell you how many memories of arguments I’ve had over the years cross my mind day after day.  At the conclusion of each memory I take the palm of my hand and firmly press it against my forehead repeating the word, “idiot…idiot…idiot!”  So many of the arguments I’ve had over the last nine years and even before then were never worth having; not just in marriage, but with family and friends as well.  Perhaps there are ways to avoid ridiculous arguments that if you let continue on day after day, month after month and year after year could one day swim up and bite your relationship in the ass.

  I believe simple arguments that begin to take place within a long term relationship are almost always littered with resentment from previous battles fought within that relationship that were never completely brought to a conclusion or even a previous relationship that had its own slew of resentment issues.  We all have our scars.  I’m well aware of the fact that disagreements will occur within a relationship.  After all, we’re human.  The only perfect individual on this planet is me.  Subsequently, if you’re “not” me, which there’s a pretty good chance that you are not (THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE HIGHLANDER!), you should take some advice from The Divorced Guy (“That’s me…”-hand slightly raised, slumped over, eyes facing the floor) and work towards diffusing the ticking time bomb of an argument that is specifically positioned between you and your partner, ready to explode.  There are a few ways to go about this.  Let me explain.

  Think of it as The Matrix.  We’ve all seen that movie, haven’t we?  The agent fires the bullets at Neo and amazingly he dodges all but one of the bullets.  See the next impending argument as the same scenario.  The next time you feel your nerves begin to twitch or the feeling of anger begin to churn within you because you know exactly what is about to happen, stop.  Slow things down.  See everything in slow motion.  Dodge the bullets.  Drop your pride and your defenses.  You don’t need either one if you’re dodging the bullets.  You may even have access to a time machine.  Go back in time to when you first met your partner.  Remember the rush you felt when you first pressed your lips against one another’s.  Remember how you felt as you were driving home after dropping her off and your joy was uncontainable as Journey reverberated off of your heart with the words…”Don’t stop believin’!”  Remember the sound of “I do” and the sensation of tears running down your cheek.  Remember the walk on the beach with the backdrop of the most beautiful sunset that neither one of you have seen again since that day.  Remember how the candle light reflected in her eyes, and the uncontrollable urge to reach across the table to touch his hand denied all hesitation.  Remember the time when you were with your friends and you shared a moment of laughter over a joke that was only funny between the two of you.  Everyone else in the group stared at you as though you were the two weirdest people ever to be considered “a couple”.  The list could go on and on.  There are moments in a relationship that happen for a reason.  “They” are your defense against meaningless arguments that build resentment and bring down love, trust and friendship; not your ability to win the argument.  You are “best friends” for goodness sake.  Act like it!  Admittedly, some discussions are needed; neither one of you wants to be a doormat.  But even those situations can be approached with love.  Those same memories will work when you’re coming to an agreement on any particular issue.  Realize that nothing in this world can come between real love and genuine friendship.  So before that next ridiculous argument takes place, put on your trench coat and shades, jump into your time machine and go back to the place where all you cared about in this world was your unconditional love for one another.  Remember the word “unconditional”.  It’s an important one.