One of the most frustrating aspects of life for me is not being able to obtain a desired result by the means in which I choose to obtain that result. We all have problems that we absolutely do not want to deal with. We all have a past that we’d like to see just vanish into thin air. We all have people that we’d like to have erased from our hearts and minds. I am slowly, but surely accepting the fact that none of these things will ever somehow magically disappear. Believe me; I’ve tried to find every way possible to sweep things under a rug. I think we all have to a certain extent. The world offers many coping mechanisms for ignoring present or past issues that seem just too difficult to handle. I myself have been very guilty of attempting to ignore problems by filling my life with coping mechanisms. I consider myself to be a pretty smart guy, but I’ve been throwing punches into the wind for far too long. It’s time to accept an ugly truth. I have to accept that there are issues that need to be dealt with. How they “need” to be dealt with isn’t pretty, isn’t fun and cannot be resolved over night. But I’m slowly beginning to figure out that each time I face something that I just “do not” want to deal with; if handled the right way, the result is character and confidence building for me. The result brings me content, not just a temporary happiness. Just because we have problems that we don’t want to deal with, because in our minds we can’t envision a positive outcome in dealing with those problems, doesn’t mean that there isn’t a positive outcome to be had.
In my journey through resolving my own personal issues, I first had to deal with letting go of unhealthy ways of coping with things that seemed just too difficult to process. For instance, I’ve gone through a divorce. So many horrible thoughts, so much guilt and a barrage of self condemnation bombarded my mind every single second of every single day for what seemed like forever. I absolutely could not deal. So, in an attempt to sweep things under a rug, I told myself, “Well, I think I’ll just pass on all that stuff, thank you very much. Let’s move on to something better, shall we?” I’m here to tell you, if you are not handling an issue properly, you know it. Therefore, no one ever simply walks away from that issue without some sort of coping mechanism for assistance. I say “issues” because we all have a variety of things that have happened in our lives or that are currently happening that just make us feel terrible in every way imaginable. These issues can range from a stressful job, scars from a past relationship, an offense that hasn’t been forgiven, depression, a passing of a loved one, difficulties within a marriage, financial problems or just the ever looming feeling of dissatisfaction; the feeling that there’s just something missing. I don’t think that there is one person on this planet that wakes up every single day and says to their self, “Hey, I’d really love to be slapped in the face with a slew of problems today. Maybe even if I’m lucky, I can carry around some guilt and depression today as well. This day holds promise for me, I’m sure of it. I just can’t wait to feel totally defeated at the end of the day!” No. We wake up in one of two ways: with all the problems of our own worlds looming over our heads or we try to find some way to begin the day a new. One can be just as bad as the other. Both can involve coping mechanisms. Obviously, waking up with the problems of the previous day still stabbing away at whatever’s left of our content, will continue on day after day if we don’t find a healthy way of dealing with them. Coping mechanisms are just so much easier, right? We have beer, liquor, cigarettes, drugs and denial, which all just provide us with masks, and all they do really is compound our problems. I believe that there is one coping mechanism that is used that in my opinion is a capital offense.
There are a plethora of coping mechanisms that are used day after day; drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, and all are dangerous. But for me, there’s one in particular that I hate to see. People can be used as coping mechanisms. I know that I’ve been used as a way to cope, and I know that I am also guilty of the same offense. Life can be just too much to handle on our own. We don’t want to feel the pain of our past, we don’t want to deal with loneliness and we just need something to take the edge off. In ignoring everything that is eating us alive on the inside and choosing to find unhealthy ways of coping, a typical romantic way to meet someone may start off well, but eventually run its course; comparable to coming down from a high or taking the last drag of a cigarette.
A woman sits alone at a party; beer in hand, slightly grinning. A man approaches her; finds her attractive, enticed by her grin and the fact that she’s sitting alone. Awkward greetings are exchanged between the two. A conversation ensues. Laughter and flirtatious banter bounce back and forth. A connection is made. A first date takes place. Common interests are discussed. The man opens the door for her and pays for the dinner. “Chivalry isn’t dead after all,” she says to herself. A second date occurs. Flowers are displayed as the knock on the door is answered. His simple humor incites a brief laugh, “For you my lady.” “Cute,” she whispers to herself turning away momentarily to reach for her purse. Her smiles only encourage him. It makes him happy to see her happy as a result of his efforts. Another door is opened and another dinner is paid for. A level of comfort is established between them. Introductions to one another’s parents, finds its way into the scene. The two lives begin to intertwine. The topic of marriage casually peeks through their windows of conversation from time to time. The perfect sunset and the sound of waves crashing to the shore; what could be a more beautiful setting? He’s anxious, yet hesitant. She notices it in the tightening grasp of his hand around hers. They both stop and turn to one another; each with a question, her standing, him on one knee. Families are assembled as witnesses, vows are exchanged and a celebration follows. Flower petals are trampled upon; bride and groom caught in a cross fire of rice and cheers. Another door is opened, another dinner is paid for, and the two sacrifice themselves to the bond.
By this time, you have completely forgotten what we’ve been talking about. It’s alright. Don’t feel naïve, immature or that you might have a case of A.D.D. that you weren’t aware of. I was simply able to distract you. The same way any typical love song would capture our imagination, scramble it with our wants and emotions, providing us with our own personal perfect life; even if it’s only for approximately three minutes and 47 seconds. Now what I’m about to say may portray me as bitter, jealous, judgmental; perhaps even as a “glass half empty” kind of guy. I won’t defend my character, so I’ll leave it to you to make the call. We’re all so easily distracted and in most cases it’s because we want to be. It’s so much easier than dealing with a reality that in our minds couldn’t possibly bring peace to our lives. As a consequence we lose ourselves; caught in the ever changing current of our emotions. That scenario that I just painted a picture of can also have detrimental effects to each person involved depending on how they have chosen to handle their own lives. Take that same scenario, but this time let me provide a backdrop for you.
A (recently divorced) woman (with three kids, severe emotional issues and a desperate need to attach to anything that provides even just a sliver of interest to distract her from her problems) sits alone at a party; beer in hand (inebriated enough to ignore common sense), slightly grinning (turmoil, resentment, anger and an absolute unwillingness to admit her own faults…brewing on the inside). A man, (father of two and currently separated from his wife) spots her amongst the crowd. (Ridden with guilt, sadness, betrayal, pride and in denial of his past), he approaches her. He finds her attractive, enticed by her grin and the fact that she’s sitting alone. (He assumes she’s approachable, no baggage & completely sane. Not inclined to ask questions…only to crack a joke, which is appropriate. They’ve just met. Yet he’s naïve enough to proceed without caution. What choice does he have?) Awkward greetings are exchanged between the two. (They're only familiar with one personality; the one of their previous relationship. They know nothing else.) A conversation ensues, (cautious not to reveal their secrets. Again, appropriate. It’s just a conversation.). Laughter and flirtatious banter bounce back and forth (as the inebriation begins to push away emotions derived from their past.). A connection is made; (a distraction is found). A first date takes place, (taking them both back to before the mistakes were made). Common interests are discussed; (anything, but dealing with reality). The man opens the door for her and pays for the dinner, (which takes away the guilt of his past). “Chivalry isn’t dead after all,” she says to herself, (causing the feeling of being unsure of her decision to leave disappear). A second date occurs. Flowers are displayed as the knock on the door is answered. (He’s hopeful that flowers will make her day as they once did for his wife.) His simple humor incites a brief laugh, “For you my lady.” “Cute,” she whispers to herself turning away momentarily to reach for her purse (as they both begin to feel young again). Her smiles only encourage him (as he hasn’t been the cause of one for quite some time). It makes him happy to see her happy as a result of his efforts, (ignoring the thought in his mind of the woman that once loved him, “she stopped laughing.”). Another door is opened and another dinner is paid for. A level of comfort is established between them, (unaware distraction is what provides the comfort.). Introductions to one another’s parents, finds its way into the scene; (a true feeling of starting over). The two lives begin to intertwine (and all red flags are ignored.). The topic of marriage casually peeks through their windows of conversation from time to time. (She’s shocked to find that he’s still married, but it quickly becomes a small technicality in the eyes of her desperate need to escape a past. No questions are asked. If anything, she doesn’t want to be awakened from her dream.) The perfect sunset and the sound of waves crashing to the shore; what could be a more beautiful setting? (This is the setting they wish they had the last time.) He’s anxious, yet hesitant (as reality sets in). She notices it in the tightening grasp of his hand around hers. They both stop and turn to one another; each with a question (What are we doing?), her standing, him on one knee (Its too late. Too much has happened already. What else is there anyways?). Families are assembled as witnesses; vows are exchanged and a celebration follows. Flower petals are trampled upon; bride and groom caught in a cross fire of rice and cheers. Another door is opened, another dinner is paid for, and the two sacrifice themselves to the bond. (It has to be what they’ve never had before. It’s different, so it has to be. They’re left with no choice. This has to work. They both smile.)
As of now, I’m sure you are saying quite a few things such as, “Stephen, you have way too much time on your hands. Stop over analyzing. You’re crazy. You need a date.” Although, all of those comments are warranted, I have to look at things in this manner. I simply see it different than you. I’ve experienced such scenarios. Each scenario is simply a result of how you’ve chosen to handle your life and all that has come with it; good or bad. I want my next “go around” to be similar to the first scenario. I know that can’t happen unless I put all of the pieces of me back together again. That can only happen if I face my reality and not try to cover it up by using someone or something. That goes for anyone else as well. If we do not deal with our issues and face whatever it is that we deem to be an impossible undertaking, we will only carry it over to next innocent bystander. What we’ll do is simply meet someone who gives us every bit of attention we’ve ever wanted, but never had, takes away all of our pain even if just for a time, tells us exactly what we want to hear, buys us everything we’ve always wanted and treats us like the babies we are. We can’t take care of ourselves, so therefore we have nothing to offer them. All we’re saying to them is, “Here ya go. [pushing all of our guilt, emotional issues, fears, regrets, pain, voids and resentment across the table to them as we would poker chips.] You take all of that and handle it, which will make me feel better. I’ll just be over here while you’re burdened with what I didn’t want to be burdened with.” How fair is that to someone who maybe hasn’t gone through what we have or maybe someone who has already taken the time to pull his or her life back together; someone that faced what we couldn’t. They’re fooled by our temporary happiness of yet another coping mechanism that will inevitably run its course. It’s selfish of us. We’re not being considerate. There may be kids involved. They don’t understand what’s going on and they too are fooled by our temporary happiness. They, above all, need us to face our fears and pull our lives together. Who they end up becoming in the future depends on how we choose to handle the problems of our past and present. They see everything, and the brutal truth of it all is that they will be forced to soak in our poor decision making, tag along on our emotional roller coasters and inherit our ability to run from problems. I will not allow that to happen in my life. If you have ever questioned my commitment as a husband and a father, you need only to read my words.
We all have our addictions and unhealthy ways that we’ve chosen to deal with what comes along with a tough life. We have to correct our ways and eliminate our addictions. They’re only temporary, and they only bring more sadness and more pain. They only cover up what we lack the courage to conquer. Most importantly, they can damage the lives of others around us that are undeserving of our inability to cope. I believe that the most difficult times in our lives hold the most character. Character - that if we can make it through the difficult times, will be bestowed upon us as a reward. With character comes confidence, with confidence comes resolve and with resolve comes content. Reaching content within our lives gives us the ability to really start our lives over again. Content gives us a fresh start. It relieves us of feeling desperate, feeling out of control, unable to deal, hopeless, lonely and without a future. Let’s turn and face what we’ve been running from, what we’ve chosen to pawn off on other people and what we would spend the rest of our lives denying. No more judging others, no more hiding, no more running and no more masks. Let’s find people that we know are hurting. Let them know that we feel the same way. We can lift each other up. Love is always found in selflessness.
