A Letter to Ryan

A Letter to Ryan

Ryan,

  Your daddy has never been one to hide what he’s feeling or thinking.  I’m writing you this letter because I love you with all of my heart.  As to what purpose this letter will serve for you I honestly have no idea, but I know that the minute you hold back your thoughts or an urge to open up to someone, over time you will become closed off to the world and miss opportunities to be an inspiration to someone else who needs exactly what you have to offer.  I’m writing you this letter in a time that the world you live in is completely upside down.  It is a very crucial point in your life and all my focus, all of the love I have in my heart, is directed towards you.  You hold my heart in your hands.

  Ryan, I’ve thought about you every minute of every day since the first time I laid eyes on you.  I remember when I first saw you and when I first heard you cry I was absolutely terrified.  I was scared that I wasn’t going to be a good dad.  I didn’t know if I would be able to take care of you and raise you the right way.  I knew that I had done nothing in my life to deserve you.  In the hospital room I stood over you and fell in love.  I knew that there was nothing in this world that I wouldn’t do for you or your mother.  I’m ashamed to admit that after you were born I was sick for days.  I couldn’t move.  This happens to your daddy when he gets nervous.  Not one of my greatest attributes.  I was so nervous because I had no idea what to do.  However, as always, your mother was a rock.  She effortlessly held you in her arms and instantly became a mother.  I remember standing by the hospital bed and staring at the two of you.  You and your mother were the most beautiful beings I had ever laid eyes on.  To be honest with you Ryan, I could not wait to get out of that hospital.  I just wanted to get you and your mommy home.  As the days passed I became more confident as a father.  I would lie down on the couch and put you on my chest.  You would fall asleep and I could feel your little heart beating.  There was no other place in this world that I would rather be.

  You’re daddy is not a perfect person Ryan.  There are many things that I will have to answer for when my life on this earth comes to an end.  There are mistakes that I’ve made that effected you and your mother directly.  I live with those mistakes daily.  Your father has a problem with being “impatient”.  I want everything to happen the way I want it to happen and when I want it to happen.  My advice to you is to “not” be this way.  Let life happen.  Be particular about what you want for your life.  As I’m writing this letter you are four years old and already your personality is off the chart.  You surprise me everyday with things that you say and with your understanding of things that are taking place that a four year old shouldn’t understand.  There will be wonderful people that want to be in your life and people that are drawn to your personality.  My favorite place to be is anywhere you are.  You bring a smile to my face when all I feel is sadness.  You give me the strength to keep going when all I want to do is give up.  You are my every reason to take my next breath. 

  Ryan, I want you to be an independent person.  I want to teach you to be tough, strong and independent, but never afraid to be vulnerable and open up your heart to people.  Being tough and strong doesn’t mean that you have to hide your emotions from the world.  It’s because you are tough and strong that you can be vulnerable.  Unfortunately, as you walk through this world you will be betrayed, you will be let down, you will be hurt and you will find sadness and pain.  To try to avoid these things will only put you in a dark place with your own thoughts and no one to turn to.  Be who you are and throw yourself into the world.  Give yourself entirely to the people you love and even to those who do not love you.  Yes, the very same people that you hold dearest to your heart may take you for granted, hurt you emotionally and betray you, but who you are is strong enough to get through it and love them anyway.  You’re heart and soul is strong enough to withstand any horrible thing this world has to offer.  Just keep breathing and find the willpower within yourself to make it to the next day.  Unfortunately, sometimes the love you give to another will not be given back, but don’t let it stop you from loving.  Your father has done this during his life and I can tell you that giving up on loving another will only bring sadness and regret.  Find joy in the act of giving love, not in what you may or may not receive from giving it.  To love someone that does not love you is true love.

  Ryan, true love is a wonderful blessing.  Most will tell you that it doesn’t exist.  Even worse, most that say they are in love are not.  I will teach you as you grow up to be able to tell the difference.  True love isn’t the bright and shiny early moments of a relationship.  In those early moments emotions are soaring, dreams are climbing and love is in the air.  All of your voids are being filled.  Those are all wonderful feelings that I pray you will get to experience one day.  I want you to embrace these emotions and let them soak into your heart, but Ryan, although those are all great feelings and I want you to allow them to take hold of you, they are not true love.  They can be the beginning of a wonderful relationship, but will they hold strong?  That is the test.  It’s a chance that you must take.  True love is when the tough times in this world enter into your relationship and through those tough times the bond remains strong.  When you have nothing but each other, there’s still no other place that you would rather be.  Who you are is more than enough for the other person.  I’m here to tell you that kind of love is abundantly available to you.  Just be patient for it and don’t get caught in the winds of the moment.  If you’re anything like your father, your emotions will react before your logic does.  It’s important to embrace all of your emotions, but it’s also important to process each emotion as they come to you.  Logical thinking is necessary, but it’s already a given with you.  Even at four years old you are thinking logically.  You search for the meaning behind everything that happens around you.  You want to know why a person feels the way they do.  You want more than a smile from a person.  Just because you’re an emotional person doesn’t mean that logic can’t be involved. Logic without emotion makes for a cold personality. 

  Fall in love Ryan, but don’t fall for love.  Who you are will attract many people.  Your personality and willingness to love will be intoxicating.  Be a real person Ryan.  The world is full of people that put on a smile and fool others into thinking that they’re just fine.  Don’t be that way because people will believe you and your lie will effect their lives as well.  Open up your heart to people and let all your fears go.  Be completely vulnerable.  Be who you are and change for no one.  The very second that you find yourself giving up who you are to fit the mold of someone else run because that’s when you are falling for love.  You want it so badly that you begin to let go of who you are and what makes you happy.  If you feel that you may be growing closer to someone, that’s good, but if in doing so you begin to bend the truth of who you are, make too many concessions, ignore personality traits that you dislike, make yourself believe something that isn’t there or accept a personality that doesn’t completely captivate you, stop and back away from that person.  You will only hurt them and yourself.  Be patient because everything that you are looking for will find you eventually.  Make sure that when you find someone that interests you that the love you give to that person is reciprocated.  Be cautious of those who only want you for what you can do for them.  You are not meant for that and if your daddy ever finds out that you are giving up who you are simply to fill the needs of someone else, well, you and I will be having a talk.  I will not allow it.  When you find true love Ryan, make sure you let that person know that you love them too.  Pride is a horrible thing.  Never be afraid to show love.    

  Although your daddy loves everyone that he’s ever known, there are people that I allowed to influence, mold and control me.  I’ll tell you why this happened.  I was too scared to be me.  I was afraid to let who I really was show.  Who I really was wasn’t what others thought I should be, what others considered normal or what others wanted for their life.  I wanted to make the right decisions in my life, I wanted everyone to like me and I wanted to make everyone happy, so I was fearful of being who I really was.  I knew I would receive a poor opinion from people I loved and maybe even lose people that I loved.  When you give up who you are, that’s when you begin to make bad decisions and lose your joy in life.  Sometimes you have to accept that your personality doesn’t fit the bill of someone else.  Don’t make the sacrifice of giving up who you are for companionship or to be accepted by people you care about.  I have to warn you, in making this decision you will have to face loneliness, but it’s in that loneliness that you find joy in yourself.  You can make yourself happy.  Establish goals for your life.  Make decisions that are beneficial to you.  Because you are who you are, people will come into your life that will rely on you for their happiness.  You will not be able to fill their every void.  Allow people in your life that are accepting of who you are, willing to stand by you and be “for you”, not just “with you”.  In doing so, you will have a more fulfilled life, trust me on that.  Do not look for any one person in this world to be the source of your happiness.  You will inevitably be let down.  People are imperfect and will make mistakes.  If you’re only with someone to make you happy and avoid your inner troubles, you are not only taking advantage of that person, but also, they will not fulfill the purpose you want them to serve.  They will for a time, but one day you will have to face your troubles on your own and I know that you will.

  Ryan, you have so many people around you that love you and want to be there for you.  You have a great mother.  She loves you as only a mother can.  Your mother is full of personality and is able to shine a light in the darkest of places.  Most of your personality comes from her.  I fell in love with her so fast.  It was something I couldn’t control.  I’ve dedicated 9 years of my life to figuring her out, but I was only able to scratch the surface.  She is someone that you will be able to turn to when you need advice and will be a shoulder to cry on when you need it.  Access what she knows and feel the love that she has for you.  She loves you with all of her heart and will always be there for you. 

  Ryan, I will do my best to protect you from all the horrible things this world has to offer until you are ready to handle them on your own, but the only promise that I can make you is that I will fail in my attempt to do so.  This world is full of jealousy, betrayal, hate, judgment, ridicule and sadness, but you are one amongst the few.  These horrible things will attack you daily, but your willingness to love, understand, accept and your unwavering strength will take whatever life throws at you and transform it into something beautiful.  Don’t try to be perfect and don’t even begin to pretend to be.  Fake people walk the earth day after day pretending to be something that they’re not.  They use people like you to shield themselves from their own fears and flaws.  You’ll spot them at the drop of a hat.  You’ll smell them from a mile away.  They’ll try to bring you down because the beautiful person that you are scares them and makes them jealous.  When you receive a hateful remark, return it with kindness, when someone tries to bring you down, rise even higher, when someone tries to put you in a box, throw yourself further into the world, when someone decides to leave your life, know that they are no longer apart of your destiny and when someone shows nothing but distain and hate, love them with all of your heart.  Allow into your life only the people that challenge you, that amplify your personality, that captivate you and that broaden your horizons.  People that provide only comfort, flattering words, simple pleasures and distraction are temporary.  Know them and care for them, but love them from a distance.  People that really love you and are beneficial to your life will tell you what you don’t want to hear and not be afraid to be honest with you even when they know you will be angry with them for it.

 

  Your daddy loves you more than you’ll ever know Ryan, but there’s only so much that I can offer you and I don’t know everything there is to know about life.  Ultimately, you will have to decide what’s best for you because your mother and I will not be able to make your decisions for you once you leave the nest.  Of course, as you grow and mature in life, we will always be here to guide you and love you, but you will be responsible for what you allow to happen in your life.  I know in my heart that you have wonderful things in store for you.  I can’t even begin to imagine what you’ll do in this life, for yourself and for others.  Take control of your life.  Be adventurous, be random. Feel excitement, love and joy.  You’re on this earth for a reason.  You have a purpose and there are no limits to what you can do.  I love you Ryan and I always will.  You hold my heart in your hands.